and Dust
Bliss
and Dust
... the tale of a small,
well, maybe even tiny, but yet
somehow extraordinarily happy rat.
transferred from the chronicals of love
into word by
Kilian Sternad
Place and Person could be
different...
The person this story is all about was living in a barren, dark land,
not too long ago - and, to state this right from the beginning, our
pal had become honest first and then happy - and whenever he was
asked about it he would really lay great emphasis on that.
Actually, he had not always been that honest, no, and probably he
hadn't even become absolutely totally completely honest yet, but
according to the valid schedules for young rats he had fought out a
hard, long battle with himself and had at least been smart enough to
comprehend, that, as opposed to his prior conviction, he was just a
plain, small rat, just like all the other rats he knew.
And also everything else that happened, could
have been different...
In return for his great troubles in achieving this high kind of
realization - this is what our rat meant - the big chief of all rats,
who is high aloft with the big, shining, white clouds, where it is
always warm and bright, really loved him.
However, once, when our tiny rat was alone again in that big, dark
world, and froze, the big chief of all rats bent himself down low to
our small rat and drew the grey curtain separating this world from
the next a few inches aside, so that our small rat could pass through
and peer into those unfathomable eyes of her divine parent, which are
so absolutely full of love....and after a very long while....or was
it only a few seconds - who knows - that she was reflected therein,
and it seemed to her, as if she herself was looking back out of these
refulgent heavenly eyes directly onto herself.
In this reflection looking into and looking out of these eyes had
become one, well, actually they had ever been one - it is just that
our little rat had never noticed before - and believe me or not, our
tiny rat was so absolutely totally completely happy at this very
special moment, that it can never be described, sooo happy.
For the very first time in her young rats life she felt the great
love, which emanated from the big chief of rats, and that he was the
source of all.
To soothe her departure, this is what she meant, she was allowed to retain some little of the heavenly light in her heart, when she slipped back through the grey curtain again, back into her dark, barren world.
About the Miracle of that Day
...
While she was reflecting upon all that, she realized, that her tiny
rats heart had turned into gold because of the contact with the
divine heavenly light of the big chief rat, and while she was steeped
in gratitude for this present and while she was looking deeply into
her golden heart, it seemed to her, as if she was again looking into
the deep, loving eyes of the big chief of rats, who was twinkling at
her in a most friendly way, and was reflecting therein, and suddenly
she knew, that she would never ever be alone again, and though the
big chief of all rats was an honorable and respectful person, she was
totally filled with love.
About Dust...
But, believe me or not, heaven is far and deep, and so is earth, and
that is what our tiny rat hadn't realized yet. She wanted to tell the
other rats of the big chief of rats but had to accept, that nobody
believed her; this she realized in her heart, and as she hadn't yet
learned to live in peace with the other rats, some little of the dust
of the outer world....or was it even quite a lot of it?.....entered
her heart.
All had become »God« to her, because this is, what she
called the big chief of rats at that time, because she felt, that the
word »God« must have been invented for this big chief of
all rats, and for nobody else, and for herself, and for all the other
rats she took the word »men«, probably, because she had no
better idea ... on one peculiar day, after she had been asked to
reveal at least something of her life in heaven and on
»earth« - this is how she named the barren, cold world in
which she still lived to some extent - and as her heart had acquired
still more dust than there had ever been, she started to speak:
|
My Dear Friends. |
|
No illusion any more, and no gloss. |
|
God! |
Some time, ... somewhere, ... somehow, ...You have foresaken me
... .
And I ... I haven't ... even....noticed.
Just tell me....have you ever really been there? -Or are you just
teasing us humans, just like bugs are pierced by needles and we
pretend in false curiosity to wonder how long they stay alive, and
that they seem to never stop moving their tiny legs?
What bigger pain can there be than love ... and is there anything as
hopeless like getting lost in love?
Why do I ask these questions, and why do I move at all?
No, this isn't me.
So I am watching YOU, what YOU are doing, does anything belong to me?
No, nothing, yes, you're right.
I have nothing to say, and I have nothing to think about, so much ...
for sure. This now ... is at least something, something I really
know, ...so it must be wrong, otherwise it's me again... - and I... -
well, I do not exist.
I see myself, and I am watching myself, ... me dancing, me singing, me jerking and me laughing, ... me challenging others, ...cutting out their very guts...-... to give them proof, to give them evidence, ... that also they... are... nothing. ... - They are turning their back on me, ... so maybe I was wrong? Well, what's the point, I have only... watched... myself - but if You can't go along with it ...then please, please erase me! - Cut out my name, that name which probably isn't even really mine, can't be, strike it out from your book of life, the book where I am no more than just an empty entry, just an entry taking place that might be even useful otherwise. Yes, please, cut me out, erase me, get clear with it, please, wipe me off!!!
Keep me from whining at you all the time, don't odd yourself that
much. How can you ever bear me? Have you been out of your mind while
putting me on earth? But perhaps You are just like me another
drunkard....doesn't it actually say we are all created in your
image?
Yes, no, I don't know.
I am waiting,
... waiting for something...
... waiting for something to happen...
to take place...
... .
I am closing...
my eyes ...
and I am hearing...
... this scream ...
... .
Yes, Sir,
God,
...
this...
really...
hurts, ... .
... I... ... l ove ... ... ... ... ... ... You ... .
... I... ... desire ... ... ... ... ... ...You... .
... I... ... do ... ... ... ... ... ... ... remember ... .
Yes, ... You are, ... and this is the way You wanted it, ... here
I am sitting now ... and the thumb...pain... of desire ...is making
... me cry.
Yes, ... I have seen them crying ... crying so often, Your children,
but always there was bliss and gratitude in their tears, bliss and
gratitude, that it was You whom they are crying for and that they
know.
Yes, I love You, and the only King in my heart is You.
Nobody - who ever - entered this sacred spot - except YOU.
I can't write down anything about this, ... if You don't want me
to.
Whatever there will be going out into the world ... is none of my
concern.
In Your solemn presence, as long as You are near, that is when I
am happy, and nothing in this world will ever find my heart again.
You ... God ... You made it Your own, and I know nothing about this,
nor will I ever care. I leave You with that petty secret of Yours,
this petty secret that makes You oh so very happy.
Where we met, and when ... this will be our secret ... forever.
I must admit, I tried to share it, but I only lost my own memory of
it, there was no gain but only loss, until You bestowed Your grace on
me again. I really do not know.
Since I have seen Your picture, Sir, You are twinkling at me without
a break, and I notice, that my dancing has changed, my laughing and
my speech. You are the King of my heart, and wherever You are I want
to be.
I can see You everywhere in nature, in the hearts of the fish, in the
eyes of all the spirits and everywhere, and beyond. Actually this is
wrong, You are not inside of creatures or inside of things, they are
inside of You! Oh, I am such a fool. But nevertheless I love You,
this is all that counts.
... - I think, there is someone out there, listening to us, but it
doesn't matter, for this is You, and You really know what You want,
I'm sure.
I have changed a lot since then, I have even started to love my human
body, started to love it intensely, because it's Yours. I had been
thinking it belonged to my parents, but I was wrong, I know this now,
because it's You, it was always You and no one else.
I - love - You
I think ... it's time now, to quit. Whatever we have to tell each
other is our concern alone, nobody has to interfere. If we want
anybody to know more about it, we will let him know.
All I can grasp is this: It is You. You, my Master and my King, but
even this is uncertain to the extent that it is me to comprehend,
because I am not really sure, if I actually exist ... in Your
clearness I am here, yes, I know, but I, allone by myself, without
You......do I really exist?
But that doesn't matter. I am too happy that You are there.
You Are ... that's it.
What else could there be for me to wish???
I have nothing else to say.
I?
AUM.
Maybe there are exercises, maybe there are none. You got me with the
twinkling of an Eye.
With the twinkling of YOUR Eye... .
This is all she wrote, ...
... our little rat, and she lost no thought in thinking about the
immense difficulty for anybody else to comprehend her words, who
didn't really know her well, or anybody else who didn't know about
the heat of the burning love between the chief of rats and her.
And so a big part of her knowledge and of her experiences got lost,
because she hadn't comprehended the part they were playing in her
life, imbedded in the spheres of love and light, those spheres she
boundlessly enjoyed....boundless....the only kind of measurement rats
know.
Of course, somehow she knew, only sitting for hours and more had been
the way to get her senses out of her body and also, that this never
would have worked, if she wouldn't have comprehended her inner being
into the finest detail and if she wouldn't have learned to play her
melodies of emotion in every possible way.
But compared to that very special gaze of the chief of all rats this
all was without any meaning to her.
From time to time, when a little of the dust of this world was
entering her heart, she lost some little of her control of her body
and some little of the purity of her inner being, and she felt a new
wheel being spun in front of her mind, a wheel with increasing
density from day to day. - In these hours of challenge she caught
some little of the meaning of this kind of challenge and had a feeble
image of the interaction of events, but at the bottom of her heart
her love to the chief of rats was all that mattered.
Usually, even one single tear, shed in love, was more than enough to
tear even the thickest of curtains into thousands of little
pieces.
How things continued ...
In the eyes of all the other rats there was no truth around this door
of heaven and this is why they remained separated from the chief of
rats, separated by what they took for knowledge. - And our little rat
stayed all by herself, well, not quite, for the chief of rats was
with her at any time....and what else could anybody wish?
It was just, that all those exercises, however important they once
had been, had totally lost their meaning for the little rat. They
turned into some kind of a ring, and because it was a ring, there was
a whole. If now the love had just melted the ring and thereby
increased the size of the whole, or if the heat of that love just
turned the crusts of the tiny rat's ego into steam, it actually
doesn't matter. One day this ring was big enough to go all around our
little rat. And so our little rat was in constant communication with
the big chief of all rats, or, actually the other way round, of
course, but this was no longer actual for either of them, because
this kind of separation or classification just remained stuck in the
ring, in the channel, along with the knowledge of the other rats.
There was its place and its necessity.
In the beginning she was conversing a lot with the big chief of rats,
but then she started to whisper more and more and finally she found
her peace and happiness in silent wonder. And as things are, the ring
started moving here and there until our rat started to like it and as
she needed no orientation any more, there was no orientation that
could get lost.
As silence and wonder was the last that had ever been seen of my
little rat - and even that is not quite certain, but let me assume
this for now - so this is how I want to continue this story, in
silence, the silence, in which all the worlds are one, or none, ...
,
... - who can ever say... .
author: Kilian Sternad
...and one million thanks to my Scorpio Friend Sarah Marie Klee for spellchecking this in the early morning hours of May 18th, 1999.